I know I am not alone with how I feel about the CT shooting that happened this month. I know this is not the first school shooting, and most likely won’t be the last, but this one…I can’t shake.

I guess it’s because I have a first grader and it hit way to close to home.

I don’t understand how anyone feels they have the right to take any life, but a child’s life? It has made me sick.I am not able to sleep well. My eating is all messed up. I am either so sick to my stomach I can’t eat and then the next day I can’t eat enough. My emotions are everywhere. All I keep picturing is those poor kids, and teacher’s and what the hell must have looked like for those few minutes.

I look at my presents under the tree for my 3 and 6-year old and I wonder how many parents, who lost a child, look at their presents,  knowing that it will always be Christmas in their house.

I keep getting that 11-days before Christmas e-mail from others and I know the intention is good but I cannot read it anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to feel compassion for those children and families, but rather, it is just too hard to take it all in…still.

My daughter has been sick for the passed two days and I have had to keep her home form school. Quite frankly, there is a huge part of me that is glad she is sick. For days I worried myself sick while she was at school. Wondering if I was going to be in those CT parents shoes someday. I had a sigh of relief when I would go pick her up in-line and was able to hug my child again.

Tomorrow is the last day before Christmas break and I wonder if she will feel good enough to go to school. Again, a big part of me wishes she is still sick.

I know it’s not healthy, I know I need to still live, my children need to live. It is just so hard and I can’t deny the emotions that are running through my body.

I have seriously considered home schooling more then ever. I know I can’t shelter them from everything but with all the crap, and failed education we are seeing int he schools, more and more consistently, I don’t think it is a bad idea.

I want to give a huge hug to all those families that lost a child or another loved one in that school that day. I can’t even believe to imagine the terror I would feel if it were one of my children.

Why does this world have to be filled with so much evil?

I don’t believe that banning guns is the issue and I will have many disagree. Good lord, there is so many illegal things and look how they are still on the streets. I don’t only want the bad people to own guns, I want all those bad people to know that us good people are able to defend ourselves. What I think is ridiculous is that people don’t store and keep things where the kids cannot get them.

If you have a gun, lock it up and put it up HIGH and don’t tell kids where it is at. Don’t think your child is not capable, because no-one wants to believe that their child is capable, but look at what is happening more and more. If you see you child change and not get better then don’t be too proud to ask for professional help. If your child is mad at you fr this…who cares, there are worse things. If you don’t want o give your kids the attention they need or you feel like they take up too much time then don’t have kids. (not saying that the CT shooters mom was like this, it is just a general statement).

It is so not fair that we have to send our kids to school in fear. It is not fair that we can’t even have our kids play in a park, outside, or anywhere without worrying about some loser trying to get them and/or hurt them.

I am so tired of all the crap that has to go on and I have no remorse for those that do these awful things. it’s not that I wanted the shooter to live but in a way I kind of wanted him too because he is a coward and he needed to be held accountable. I know he is now, but there is no explanation or anything and we are all left with damaged hearts and fear…

I could go on…but it won’t help me “shake it.”

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