Codependency is NOT healthy at all. Before I go in more depth I thought I would define it for you. I went to Wikipedia and it defined it as
“an unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.”My Aunt gave me a book over 15 years ago called Codependent No More
Let me step back a little bit and explain why this has been an issue for me in the past and what it has done to me, to make me realize I need to change and change NOW!
You know those people that are always the ones taking everyone else’s problems on and making them their own? That was me. You know those people that seem to always attract the “needy” and “drama craving” people? That was me. You know those people that complain about never having time for themselves because they are always taking care of everyone else? Yes…that was me too.
There is a point in one’s life where helping others is a great and noble thing. It is fun to be a helper but it is not healthy and can become a huge problem if you constantly put others needs before yours. I have kids, their needs are first but other people such as family and friends are not always a priority.
I am not able to even tell you how many things I have missed or sacrificed to help a friend out.
If someone called me in a panic because they did not have a babysitter, I would cancel my plans to babysit for them.
If my phone rang during a workout or something important I would answer it. This would cause me to more then likely stop what I was doing and devote my time to my friend.
If someone asked me to talk to a friend for them, I would do it. Meaning, they were to shy or scared to do it themselves so Tawna had to be the one to call or help be the mediator for this person.
Here is what Codependency get’s you!
A whole bunch of friends that only want you around when they have a problem. In the end this made me really mad at people all the time. I would constantly ask myself, “why do people always call me when they need help and not when they want to go hang out?” Duh…I was enabling their behavior so why would they change?
A world full of negativity and regret and this brings you down big time and makes you feel depressed and un-satisfied with yourself all the time. This was me…negative and depressed beyond belief. How could one not be with so much negativity surrounding them all the time? When you are constantly dealing with drama then that is what you get in return is “DRAMA!”
A whole bunch of so called friends that treat you like crap and make you feel bad when you are not at their beck-n-call. Years ago I was mediating a friends fight with another friend. It turned into a fighting triangle from hell. I got really upset after a handful of days dealing with girl drama and you know what one of those friends actually said to me “What…no feeling Tawna is actually upset?” I asked her what she meant. She said “well, I just figured you didn’t really ever feel bead because you are always the one that takes care of everything.” That right there should have been a HUGE message to myself to stop, but it wasn’t. I was too dumb to figure it out.
How do you end the trend?
The only way I see to end it, and I AM ending it, is to friend weed! This may sound really mean and selfish but if you think that then you may want to get the book and see if you fall into the Codependency category because it is not mean and selfish at all.
If it is your family that does it, or better yet, you allow your family to do it to you, then you have to step out and CHANGE! Getting mad because people treat you like a codependent is really not their fault…it is yours. Don’t be the peacemaker and the mediator. If others want to fight and duke it out, let them. If they are adults then make them act like an adult and solve their own problems.
When you friend weed, don’t look back. It may hurt for a little while, but once the negativity is out of your life then you won’t miss them.
It is nice, as I have been doing this for awhile. I felt bad the first few times I did it but now it is a lot easier to let them go. Why should I let people suck the positivity right out of me. It is amazing how much happier I am just dealing with my own crap instead of everyone else’s on top of it. Are those friends really worth your time…no?
Once we become adults we have to become more selfish or we will crack. Being a workaholic to an ungrateful boss never got anyone anywhere except negative at their job. Feeding into negative friends and family is quite the same. It makes you noting but negative.
What have I noticed since I have started to change?
I did not realize how much weight I carried around both mentally and physically before. Once I started to realize my problem and do something about it, I started losing weight rather quickly. Weight that I had been trying to lose for a real long time.
I have had eating disorders as this was my only control…or so I thought. Not so much control in an eating disorder, in fact quite the opposite
I am so much happier without the negative people. Do I still have some in my life…yes, but it is all a process. Once I totally free myself of my negative thoughts, the rest of the negative people in my life will be gone too.
I have attracted more positive friends. It is nice to have some drama free friends I tell you. This is a HUGE, and my biggest difference, and one I want to keep. They may have a lot of drama but I don’t know it because I am not falling victim to it.
The ugly truth…in my opinion.
It is easy to blame others for how we feel but from what I have learned is that Codependency is a self inflicted issue. I always blamed others for them causing me negativity and strife. It is ME and only ME that is to blame for it. I let it in, I take it in, and I let it consume me. It was not until I took those three fingers pointing back at me and made myself accountable that I started to figure things out.
The problem is, it is easy to blame others for our negative world. The thing we need to do is change and not expect others to change but rather change ourselves.
I am a work in progress and I have proved that I can make my life better. I just have to let myself do it.
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I am reading this book again. I am still working on things to free myself of this codependent process. I don’t believe that it is something I will change and then walk away from as habits are hard to break especially bad ones.
I will always be a work in progress but the key is that I work on it.