The older we get the more loss we experience but it wasn’t until I lost my son that I realized I had been saying all the wrong things at the time others in my life were grieving. So here is my opinions on what not to say.
- First and foremost, and I don’t know how to stress this enough so I will all caps it…”THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!” Seriously it is crazy what comes out so inappropriately when you talk on a whim and once it’s out you are not able to take it back. When you just blurt things out then you might as well walk around with your foot in your mouth because once the wrong thing is said it doesn’t matter what you say after because the griever is now tuning you out and wishing you away.
- Quit making it about you! OK let me say that again…QUIT MAKING IT ABOUT YOU! Yes we all have lost but no one wants to hear how hard your life is at that moment, it’s not your loss so shut-up about your loss.
- Remember that you are not the all mighty powerful messenger from above. No matter how hard you try, your words will not be the miracle of healing. No matter how hard you try, how long you Google search, or how many people you ask…your words are just words and will not be the ones that take the grief away.
- Do not say “they are in a better place.” No matter what your beliefs are, when those words were said to me after I lost my son, I wanted to punch the person saying it. “How dare you tell me in all your holiness that they are better off without me…really?”
- This next one goes along with the above. Again…no matter your beliefs do not say that God intended this to happen. Maybe down the road someone may finally say this, if it’s their belief, but when the grief is new this is NOT going to help. The person you are saying this too just might come to resent you and your God. in fact they probably are resenting “God” at that point because they feel lost, hurt, and mad. Do you really think they want you rubbing that in too?
- If it’s a loss it’s a loss so if someone lost a pet and they can get a new one then don’t tell them they can get a new one or bring them a new one too quick, In fact, never pick out a new pet for a friend. Maybe go with them when they are ready and let them pick it out. if you give someone a new pet, and it’s too soon, then they may not be able to ever love that pet the same and they may resent the pet and you for giving them an added burden before they are ready. Oh and a loved one is not a pet so if they have more kids etc. that doesn’t matter so don’t even go there with the whole “you have more kids etc.” That is just the dumbest thing you can say.
- Don’t push them out-the-door too soon. It’s not when you are ready, it’s when they are ready! If you are not an experienced therapist, then you don’t know when that is…WAIT!
There are more things I am sure I could add or others could add to this list. Feel free to comment your additions and maybe I can add them later.
Now here is the next list of what to say or do for a grieving friend/family member.
- Shut-up and don’t talk…Hug and Hug some more. If you feel inclined to speak then here is what you could say word-for-word…wait for it…”I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.”
- Bring them food. Not food you like to eat and drink but food they like to eat or drink.
- If they cry let them cry and cry as long and as often as they want. Don’t tell a male not to cry because it makes him soft or tell someone they have cried long enough.
- LISTEN! Listen to everything and anything they have to say and again SHUT-UP!
- Go back for a long time. After the initial few weeks or a month it becomes real quiet and lonely for the griever. and they think ALL THE TIME! Go back and visit for a long time even if only every week or two. Keep going back until you find them getting happy and back to their normal life again.
- When they are ready, not you them, take them out for dinner etc. When they want to come home, don’t argue, let them come home.
- When they start to feel better and life gets back to somewhat normal then don’t bring it up and start saying all the wrong things because you feel it is now safe to say whatever…don’t talk about it unless they do and then again…LISTEN and don’t talk!
Well there you have it. This is everything I feel when I grieve and everything I want to hear and NOT hear. I hope it helps someone. If you have anything to add please do so in the comments.
Have a wonderful day and I hope that no one has to come to this list anytime soon, but if you do…I am sorry for your or your loved ones loss.