All it took from my husband this morning was him saying, “hay it is our anniversary month.” Usually this would be a good thing, a husband remembering an anniversary but for me it is really not the best thing to hear as it made me instantly go into a break down that I can’t shake this morning.
On March 26 of this year it will be our 5th wedding anniversary and SHOULD be the 2nd birthday of our son Brayden. Brayden came into this life on March 26, 2008 and then left us broken hearted about 60 minutes later. I have had a horrible time talking about it since and still do. I guess I know that I need to talk about it more and maybe hiding behind the computer so no one can see me cry will help with the outlet a bit.
I am trying real hard to be excited about our anniversary but it is killing me inside and every time I think about it all I can do is feel sad.
I have so many emotions going through my body right now and have for the last 2 years. We now have a 6 month old son Brahnan and we love and adore him so much. There are times that I almost feel guilty because we always only wanted 2 children. We thought that Brayden would be our last and when we lost him it took a year but we decided to try again. We had our son Brahnan and he is our little miracle. I feel guilty when I cry for Brayden and wish he was still here. I then feel guilty because if Brayden was here than Brahnan would not be here. It is a roller coaster of emotions and I know I am killing myself, but it is a tough emotion to tackle and overcome. I wish I could just have all 3 of my kids together healthy and happy, but this is not ever going to be possible.
I have been hesitant to join any support group as I know there are a lot out there because I know they will make me talk about it and I am still not sure I can do that in an open setting. This blog post is hard enough but for me is a stepping stone and am hoping not to get over my son, but rather be able to cope better.
I still cry it least 2-3 times a week but this is better than the 2-3 times a day I use too. I use to feel guilty if I did not cry enough. I would feel guilty if I was happy for a few hours or a day because I did not want my son to think I forgot about him. I know this may sound funny to some, but this is truly something that keeps coming back to haunt me.
I don’t expect every to understand and feel what I am going through as until you hold your child in your arms for his entire life and feel him stop breathing you can’t. I just need to vent some frustration and hope that others out there who have gone through a similar loss find my story and know that they are not alone. If you have and you find this please give me any tips on how you cope and get on with your day to day and maybe help with some of the guilt I am holding on to. Does it ever get easier? I don’t think it does ever, I just hope that I can enjoy my anniversary again with my husband. I don’t want to forget my son, but rather be able to celebrate his life instead of morn it someday. How do I do this?