Today is mine and my husbands 6th anniversary. It is a very special day indeed for many reasons and it is also the hardest day of the year.
Three years ago on this day in 2008 we had a beautiful baby boy which we named Brayden. We loved hims so much and we got to enjoy him for an hour before he left hits world and became our very special Angel. I was 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant the day he was born so we knew it was a long shot that we would be able to keep him on earth with us, and we did not win that battle.
Every day we think of him so every day I yearn to hold him again but March 26 is the hardest indeed as I can not help but think “I should be throwing a big birthday party today for my son.” Then the tears flow and so many motions beyond belief come crashing down on me. this is truly the hardest day for me to stay on y positive journey.
I have so much guilt when I feel sad because if Brayden would have stayed with us, then we would not have our wonderful baby boy Brahnan. We knew we wold stop at two children and if Brayden would have lived then Brahnan would never have been born. I could never imagine not having him and this eats at me when I yearn for my first son. It is an ongoing roller coaster that is seriously impossible to get off of, so it seems.
I am grateful every day for all three of my children. My daughter knows about her brother as we have never thought to keep it from her. so today’s decision takes it toll…..Should we celebrate his birthday today?
My daughter has been wanting to make a cake and sing happy birthday to her brother in heaven. She is always very sincere when she talks about him and this is something I just did not know if I could do or not. I have had a handful of friends in my life, which have gone through this same experience, and they tell me that they celebrate their child’s birthday every year as it makes the day more of a celebration than a mournful one.
I have the ingredients out to make a cake and I jsut don’t know if I have it in my today to do it. I am trying, but it is the hardest moment for me in my life and I am trying desperately to find the strength to celebrate today.
Anyway, it has helped to sit down and write it out. I am not sure what today’s outcome will bring. I know for a fact that I am blessed and that I am lucky to have three kids to love! I jsut wish all three were healthy and here for me to smother with hugs and kisses and joy!
Have a great day everyone!
