Two weeks before our anniversary I would start to get, moody, emotional, and down right depressed. Every day would get worse and every day I would fall deeper and deeper into a depression.
This year I only fell into this “bad place” for about 2-3 days. This is huge for me. It has been 4 years, so am I getting better…maybe…it seems that way?
Why do I get so emotional on our wedding anniversary? Well that is easy…it’s also my unborn child’s birthday.
I was 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant on that day. It was about 10pm at night and I had gone into labor. I had been bleeding for a few weeks and losing water so it was known that something was not right. Needless to say, as it is really hard to write it again, I lost my baby a couple hours later.
I did get to hold him for an hour and he even responded to my touch on his finger, however that response was cut way to short and after almost exactly 60 minutes…there was no more response.
This is simply the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I do not wish it on anyone. He was just too small to be able to breath on his own and there was nothing anyone could do to help him.
After a year of total depression, fighting, and hating the world, I did manage to snap out of some of it. Now I am better but I do still think of him every day, kiss his picture and tell him I love him.
Our anniversary over the last 4 years has been hell. We have even contemplated celebrating it on another day…or not at all. Last year we decided that it was wrong to ignore it. I even made baby Brayden a cake and my husband and I, my 5 year old daughter, and my 18 month old son all celebrated his birthday.
At the time I did not know if it was the right thing to do or not but I did, with much pushing from my daughter, and it really was s the best thing I could have done. It is amazing how little credit we give our kids. My 5 year old just seemed to know what to do and she was right.
This year I cried about 2 days before. We went out to dinner and car shopping for our anniversary last night. We talked about Brayden and we did not fight, break down, or have harsh feelings. Life was good…we had an anniversary.
I miss him every day and always will. But I missed my hsuband too for the time it took me to heal. I was not nice to him at all and he put up with me and we got through it together. With all the guilt a Mother feels after losing a baby, it really can put a big dent in your other relationships.
I still have some guilt, I always will, but I have learned through my positive journey that we reap what we sew and I have to be happy, my son wants me to be happy. I am blessed with a great husband and two other children and they need me strong and happy.
Don’t get me wrong I ache for the day I get to hold and cuddle my baby Brayden. I don’t need that to come anytime soon, but I look forward to it. I believe I will get that later. For now I need to be where I am and raising my two children on earth. I will get my time…eventually…but right now my time is here and I need to be here now. Fearless, not resentful, and full of love.
Have a wonderful day!